Fit to be Tied

I have been living with my boyfriend for 2 years now and really want to move forward and tie the knot.  The trouble is, that when we first moved in together, he made it clear that he didn’t ever want to get married again (he’s divorced).  I said ok, hoping that he’d change his mind.  It’s been two years and now we fight about it all of the time.  He says it should be enough that we love each other, but I really want the whole wedding experience. What should we do?

As you know, I am a firm believer in honesty in relationships.  That being said, I’m not going to rub your nose in the fact that he was honest about his intentions moving in and you were not.  You are not the first person to say ok to things that are not ok with you in the beginning of a relationship in the hope that you can change your partner’s mind as time goes on.  As you are finding out now, that tends to lead to problems in the long run.

What is done is done.  Moving forward, here are my recommendations for you.

1. Shelve the topic for a while.  Take the entire question of weddings off the table for a month or two.  During this time, meditate on what it is about marriage that is most important to you.  Is it the ceremony itself- the dress, the cake, the festivities?  Is it the desire to have the title of wife, rather than a girlfriend?  Is it the formality of the commitment involved in stating your vows before friends and family?  Really take the time to figure out what parts of being married matter the most to you.
2. Is there any room for compromise?  Once you are clear on what you want and why you want it, ask yourself what parts, if any, can you let go of.  For instance, if the ceremony is the most important part, is there a way you both might be able to come up with a ceremony that honors your commitment to one another without actually getting married?  If it’s the spoken vows, can you agree to have an intimate vow exchange that makes your commitment to each other feel more real for you?  If neither one of you is willing or able to compromise…
3. The ball is in your court.  You have a decision to make.  This man of yours was honest from the get go that he did not want to marry again.  If marriage is as unthinkable to him as lack of marriage is unthinkable to you, you are at a standstill.  Something has got to give.  In this case, you have the choice to accept your relationship as is, continue to fight about it, or move on.  The choice is yours.

I wish you the best.  If you have a question for Gillian you can email her at shinygilly@shinygilly.com.

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Gillian Sky Walker believes in you!  Her belief that her life’s calling is to be an inspiration and source of encouragement to as many people as possibe led her to create shinygilly.com, where she offers personal growth and wellness videos as Shiny Gilly.  Gillian has over 15 years of counseling, teaching and speaking experience.  She is the founder of Therapeutic Trance Training and leads several trainings a year, certifying others in this method.  Her authentic and dynamic delivery makes wellness accessible and fun for everyone.  Her certifications include Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner, Registered Yoga Teacher and Reiki Master.  Gillian spends most of her time speaking, teaching and filming.  She and her husband run Shiny Gilly Productions, filming web content for local business owners out of their home studio.  They also co-host a youtube show together where they discuss current events, interview local business owners, and answer relationship questions.  They are finishing up a book on dating advice that will be released later this year