Hurt and Confused

I have been dating a guy pretty casually for the past month and a half. We would meet up with friends, mainly his, a few times for drinks, and we went on two actual dates.  We seemed to be hitting it off really well and then after the last date, we slept together and now he is MIA.  He used to text me every day, and we’d see each other at least once a week, but this past week he has barely texted me at all and says he’s really busy at work and he’ll make it up to me later.

I felt like something was off the morning after.  He didn’t want to stick around for breakfast and acted kind of weird and shut off towards me.  My question is, what did I do wrong?  Did I have sex too soon?  Am I horrible at sex?  The sex was good, not great, but it was our first time!  I really thought we had something.  Should I just write him off?

– Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt and Confused,

First of all, let’s get one thing clear. You did absolutely nothing wrong.  Second, calm down.   It’s only been a week.  Breathe.

One of four things is going on with him:

1. He is terrified of commitment and is afraid the sex committed him to you in some way.

2. He is a jerk who was just leading you on to get in your pants.

3. He felt a connection to you and needs a little space to process his emotions.

4. He is busy at work this week.

Let’s break this down one by one.

If scenario 1 or 2 is true, you will know within a span of a week or so because he will not come back around.  In either case, write him off.  A man like that is not worth wasting your time on.

My guess is it’s a combo of 3 and 4.  Guys like to chase girls.  They are not unlike dogs in this sense. Think about it.  When you play fetch with your dog, would they be anywhere near as excited if you simply put the ball in their mouth?  Of course not!  They want to chase that ball.

This guy has chased you for over a month and has figuratively “caught that ball”.  Now he wants a little space to chew on the ball and figure out his game plan from here on out.

In every relationship, the laws of physics apply.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  In layman’s terms, this means that if you move towards a guy, he will naturally start to pull back.  By having sex, you both moved in really close.  Now he needs a little break.  If he is really into you, and you allow him this period of space by refraining from reaching out to him, he will start to feel the space between you and begin to pursue you again.

I promise you that the easiest and most effective way to keep a guy interested in you is to allow for these periods of space.  I have been with my husband for 7 years and whenever I feel that I’d like the romance to be stepped up, I schedule at least 3 nights that I’ll be out of the house on nights we usually spend together.  After a week of that, I can basically count on candles, dinner, flowers or all three, without ever having to say a word.

Simple equation: You want more of him + He gets less of you = He misses you and you get what you want

And finally, he might just be really busy this week at work.  My main advice to you, if you haven’t already figured it out, is to calm down and wait it out.  If he makes it up to you and begins to romance you once again over the next week, flow with it.  If he never show back up, let him go.  He’s not worth it.

I hope this was helpful for you.  Let me know how things go.

If you have questions for me, please email me at shinygilly@shinygilly.com

Shine on!

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Gillian Sky Walker believes in you!  Her belief that her life’s calling is to be an inspiration and source of encouragement to as many people as possibe led her to create shinygilly.com, where she offers personal growth and wellness videos as Shiny Gilly.  Gillian has over 15 years of counseling, teaching and speaking experience.  She is the founder of Therapeutic Trance Training and leads several trainings a year, certifying others in this method.  Her authentic and dynamic delivery makes wellness accessible and fun for everyone.  Her certifications include Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner, Registered Yoga Teacher and Reiki Master.  Gillian spends most of her time speaking, teaching and filming.  She and her husband run Shiny Gilly Productions, filming web content for local business owners out of their home studio.  They also co-host a youtube show together where they discuss current events, interview local business owners, and answer relationship questions.  They are finishing up a book on dating advice that will be released later this year