Parenting by Positive Discipline

Parenting is one of the most challenging experiences that I have had to face. Yet, it has also been the most rewarding. There is much to learn and it provides us with an opportunity to grow as a person and a professional. It does take discipline. A word that seems to have a negative connotation. But the root of the word “discipline” is to educate by positive discipline. At times parenting is intuitive, but for the most part it takes some trial and error and cultivating new ways of negotiating, talking, behaving and educating ourselves too.

Here are some tips that might help.

1. Create routines. Get children involved in the creation of routines (morning, chores, bedtime).  Let them cut pictures from magazines (or take photos of them doing each task) to create a routine chart, which then becomes “the boss.” (“What is next on your routine chart?”)
2. Make a “wheel of choice”together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to problems. Let children draw or cut out pictures for each solution. During a conflict, invite children to pick something from the wheel that would solve their problem.
3. Put the problem on the family meeting agenda and let the kids brainstorm for a solution. Kids are more likely to cooperate when they are involved in the solutions.
4. Ask what and how questions: What happened? How do you feel about what happened? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? (This does not work at the time of conflict, nor does it work unless you are truly curious about what your child has to say.)
5. Listen: Stop talking and listen. Use reflective listening. Reflect back what you heard to see if you are getting it. Use active listening. Try to understand not only what your child is saying, but what she means. If you are right, the child will feel understood and will feel some relief.
6. Decide what you will do. I will read a story after teeth are brushed. I will drive only when seat belts are buckled. (I will pull over to the side of the road when children are fighting).
7. Follow through: The key to this one and all of the following is KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME. (Pull over to the side of the road without saying a word. Children learn more from kind and firm actions than from words.
8. Supervision, distraction and redirection for young children. Children are often punished for doing what they are developmentally programmed to explore. Tell children what they can do instead of slapping hands for what they can’t do.
9. Use ten words or less. One is best: Toys. Towels. Homework. (Sometimes these words need to be repeated several times). Avoid lectures.
10. Invite cooperation. Say, “I can’t make you, but I really need your help” (10 words)
11. Limited choices: Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner? Do you want to hop like a bunny or slither like a snake while picking up your toys?
12. Spend special time. Schedule regular time with each child. In addition, while tucking children in bed, ask, “What was the saddest thing that happened today; and what was the happiest thing that happened today? After listening to each, share your saddest and happiest times of the day. 

BONUS: Hugs! Hugs! Hugs! A hug is often enough to change the behavior – theirs and yours. Try a hug to create a connection before correction – then focus on solutions!

These are parenting tips from the course Positive Parenting lead by Julie Iraninejad.  For more information to register for the next upcoming sessions contact us at www.carmelvalleypediatrics.com  or call 858-794-KIDS (5437).
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Founder of Healthy Chats, Dr. Chrystal de Freitas is a pediatrician, author and mother of three children who has a special interest in health education. She completed her pediatric training at the University of Washington, in Seattle, WA, and has been in private practice for 22 years. She practiced with North County Health Services in Encinitas, for 6 years. In 2004, Dr. de Freitas opened her solo private practice of pediatrics, Carmel Valley Pediatrics in San Diego, CA.